@wolfmannjr: Parents yelling "I'm not going to ask you again" at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
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@HeMightBeJason: Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it's burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth. I'm a goddamn genius.
@simoncholland: A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
@fightforfood: I'm not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone's house and just started eating their breakfast.