PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
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ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
barbara was highly relatable