Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
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My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.