Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
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I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day