Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
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Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.