Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
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Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
The future is now.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.