Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
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Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
what could possibly go wrong?
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or