They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
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It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.