Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
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[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Happy Star Wars day!
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*