Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
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‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
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In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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The honesty is refreshing
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?