@TheTweetOfGod: Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.
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@lloydrang: I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree. I think I found my spirit animal.
@ShutUpThatsWho: Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire. Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I'm putting the fires out.
@Coolisiana: *saves baby from burning building* "How can I ever repay you?!" Favstar in the bio "Oh I don't have Twi-" *returns baby to burning building*
@Stellacopter: If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.