[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
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I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
How dude HOW?!
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.