Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
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“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.