PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
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Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
shut up and take my money
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Thanks to a fan for this one.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group