PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
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The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
courtroom exchange of the day
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try