[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
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[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Snapes on a plane.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!