[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
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*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?