Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
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My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica