On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
You Might Also Like
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.