[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
You Might Also Like
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Message from the dog groomers
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”