*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
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asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Two types of dogs.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”