*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
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If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
@funTweeters I am at your service….
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Milk Cube
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me