[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
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*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go