[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
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I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so