PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
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shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Sharon, call the vet
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”