[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
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someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral