[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
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If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Don’t touch that.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Okay, I’m still confused…
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.