Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
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FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Do not levitate over flowers
“A little help here, Danny?”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs