Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
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It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.