Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
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Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
lol
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”