Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
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My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
knights of the ikea table
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
O Wise One….