Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
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In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!