Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
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I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming