“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
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*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I’m good, thanks.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Nothing to do, you say?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.