Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
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It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Haha good job!!
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Just a bush.