Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
You Might Also Like
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
black phone good
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.