@meganamram: party idea: "DUI or IUD?" u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN'T divulge which
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@KeetPotato: [gets pulled over] cop: "sir, do you know how fast you were going?" [i've swapped places with the dog] me: "answer the man"
@bridger_w: If your name got called on The Price is Right, it'd be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
@ComedicBust: [hiding in a pantry during a robbery] Wife: [terrified and crying] Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can't taste the difference.
@Parentpains: My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.