party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
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Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city: