party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I’ve had relationships like this
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone