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ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.