Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
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[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals