Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
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asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
this article brought to you by lions
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session