[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
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“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade