[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
You Might Also Like
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.