“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
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me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.