Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
You Might Also Like
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
new wife guy just dropped
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.