@curlycomedy: Passed a sign that says, "All you can eat, $30/person" but I don't think I can eat $30 worth of people.
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@murrman5: [on way to play charades with gf's family] I don't wanna go why I don't wanna look silly you won't *first thing I have to act out is pasta*
@BestScienceJoke: The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
@mishakey: I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.