You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
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[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with