*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
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[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!