Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Whoa… oh I see lol
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter