*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
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Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Truth
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget