*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
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If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
The USS B port
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.