*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
You Might Also Like
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?