Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
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*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake