Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
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Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.